Many years ago, when I was training in Dance Movement Therapy and Ritual Theater, at some point during the exercises I would find myself overwhelmed with feelings. At the time, that felt scary and “not good enough” and a typical reaction was to tell myself that I had to “get a grip.”
How often do you tell someone in your life…yourself perhaps… to get a grip? To get it together?
Other versions of this are “What’s the matter with you?”
Because really and truly, what is the matter with you? Why are you unhappy or depressed or feeling anxious? Why are you unsatisfied with your life? You have no reason. You have a good life, a good partner, a job and a roof over your head. Think about all the people on this planet who are so much worse off than you are.
It doesn’t make sense!!
If this type of inner dialogue sounds familiar, then you also know that these kinds of thoughts and feelings are very unsettling. If like many, you manage uncomfortable or painful feelings thru emotional eating, you might find yourself standing in front of the fridge or cupboard looking for that special treat which will make you feel better.
But what if it did make sense? What if there was NO thing wrong with you?
What if you were able to stop, breathe and stop censuring yourself?
If you were to allow yourself to sit in authenticity, your feelings surfacing without judgment?
What would happen?
You could find a gateway to your true self. You would be able to still the longings that have somehow gotten on the “forbidden” list.
You would not have to go looking for food again and again until you decide to punish yourself with a diet.
Three things are needed for the process of “allowing it to make sense.”
You need to let go of shame and find your courage so you can cultivate self-compassion.
If you can embody who you already are rather than trying to be something you’re not, you’re on your way to uncovering compassion.
Be present with yourself and trust your knowing.
Accept the awareness of your feelings and allow them to be good enough, to be perfect just the way they are.
That is your first step towards letting go of shame and practicing self-compassion.
Initially, this place of authenticity can be scary and uncomfortable, because the old voices in your head telling you that your feelings don’t make sense and you should “get a grip” do not disappear quietly. However, a practice of mindfulness and loving kindness towards what defines you in this moment will allow you to linger more often and for longer periods of time in your place of truthfulness.
Remember, authenticity is not a quality, it is a collection of choices that you make every day and every moment. The more you can love yourself and who you are, the less you will need to turn to food to stuff down how you really feel.
This in turn will allow you to heal your relationship with food and your body and break free from the pursuit of weight loss thru yo-yo dieting.
I leave you with a quote from Oriah Mountain Dreamer:
“What if the question is not why I am so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?”
Warmly,
Ina
Eating Disorders Therapist North Vancouver, Counselling Burnaby